Where do most couples end up when their marriage starts to fall apart? For the most part it is couples therapy or counseling of some nature, right? When neither person wants to let go but they do not know how to fix their issues, then they turn to an objective third party to show them the way. The question is whether counseling can actually save a marriage.
If you fall into this category seeking help with marital issues, it all hinges on how you go into your therapy sessions. You have to realize right from the start that there is no guarantee that someone else can fix your marriage. Ultimately, the real work has to be done by you and your spouse.
People that go into their sessions expecting the therapist or counselor to validate their own thoughts and feelings and fix the problems that they see in their mate are the ones that come out disappointed. What a therapist really provides is objectivity, not validation. The mindset has to be different if this approach is going to work for the couple.
A therapist is not going to take sides or say one person is right and the other wrong. Their job is essentially to steer the couple to working out the issues, which are created equally by both of them. They both share bits and pieces of the blame, but therapy is not about blame.
Marital problems are always deeper than someone not taking out the trash or constantly being late for dates. What the therapist wants to do is get beneath all the squabbling and figure out what is really driving all the unhappiness and ultimately wrecking your relationship.
Under every petty argument is a deeper issue.
Couples who go into therapy knowing that finger pointing is useless and they both have their own flaws have a higher chance of success. Both people have to be willing to put their own defensiveness aside and just listen to one another.
A husband who flies off the handle because his wife says she is lonely may shout out that he has to work because she sits at home with the kids earning nothing. This is defensiveness that prevents him from really hearing that she is lonely. This is what doesn't work.
That is extremely hard to do, but if you can both force it at first then things will get easier. You have to remind yourself that the other person's problem doesn't always mean something negative about you. If you can do this, then chances are high that you can save a marriage through counseling.
If you fall into this category seeking help with marital issues, it all hinges on how you go into your therapy sessions. You have to realize right from the start that there is no guarantee that someone else can fix your marriage. Ultimately, the real work has to be done by you and your spouse.
People that go into their sessions expecting the therapist or counselor to validate their own thoughts and feelings and fix the problems that they see in their mate are the ones that come out disappointed. What a therapist really provides is objectivity, not validation. The mindset has to be different if this approach is going to work for the couple.
A therapist is not going to take sides or say one person is right and the other wrong. Their job is essentially to steer the couple to working out the issues, which are created equally by both of them. They both share bits and pieces of the blame, but therapy is not about blame.
Marital problems are always deeper than someone not taking out the trash or constantly being late for dates. What the therapist wants to do is get beneath all the squabbling and figure out what is really driving all the unhappiness and ultimately wrecking your relationship.
Under every petty argument is a deeper issue.
Couples who go into therapy knowing that finger pointing is useless and they both have their own flaws have a higher chance of success. Both people have to be willing to put their own defensiveness aside and just listen to one another.
A husband who flies off the handle because his wife says she is lonely may shout out that he has to work because she sits at home with the kids earning nothing. This is defensiveness that prevents him from really hearing that she is lonely. This is what doesn't work.
That is extremely hard to do, but if you can both force it at first then things will get easier. You have to remind yourself that the other person's problem doesn't always mean something negative about you. If you can do this, then chances are high that you can save a marriage through counseling.
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